Monday, October 16, 2006
mother and father kissed me today! hahah.
although for my promos, i passed the 2 h2s 1 h1 criteria, i might b retained. dere's still the addition of my mid yrs and test results, which are all U U and more Ussss.
i know when i called my father when i was in j8 with the rest today, telling him i passed, he was happy. he didnt show but i felt it. the happiness. we both felt it. one big load has been taken off him. he's now left with 3 more heavy burdens on his shoulders. i felt really proud of myself. not disappointing my father. not making him cry inside once again. but im really afraid. what if i actually calculated wrongly? and what if overall i didnt pass? the happiness he felt for me today would disappear and turn into sadness, disappointment, anger and so many other feelings. i dun wan him to worry about me, taking into account how many other things he have to worry about. my mother felt the rush too. the rush of happiness. i almost cried when they kissed me. i really really hope i can promote. when i looked at all my marks today, i really wanted to praise GOD so so so much, thank HIM for blessing me. and shouting out "THANK GOD FOR ALL YOUR BLESSINGS." but then i realised i gave up on Christ a few yrs back.or maybe there was a slight faith in me last year. I might change. i might take up the faith again. i'll let my feelings to decide.
my grandma no longer comes down for dinner in her wheelchair, then carried to the rocking chair by my father. the reason being one of her lungs collapsed. o well. breathing difficulties. one lung left. i dun wan to and i really really dun wan to hear her pantings. her heavy pantings when i visit her. i haven visited her although she lives just one storey up above me. TMR i swear. i promise. please wait for me. for 2 days, i cried. o well. nobody noes. and now u noe. and my sister noes. she too feels the pain. the one however, who is suffering most is grandma and followed by my dad. too much burden. for 5 long years. and now, i thought of euthanasia. wth. ok not much of a link. the breast cancer had spead to her lungs area. im nt much of a filial grandchild for i do not even noe my grandma din come down fer dinner until my mother told me. wth hav i been doing. i tink i shld really ged punished for this. i really think a pail of tears wouldnt save me from that sin. i din even tink of visiting her today until my mother told me. i didnt even tink about her when i was in j8 this evening. im just a fucking grandchild leading a loser life. there will be retribution for what i did.
but i swear. tmr. but. im scared. the thought of seeing and hearing her breathe makes me nervous. i wana feel her pain. take away her pain. can i? i asked my father " is her doctor still coming over?" and he replied "no la. what to do.it cant be helped." and i sensed the sadness in him. although he doesnt show it on the outside. dad's birthday is coming. i really hope it'll be a happy one. unfortunately, i have my OP rehearsal on that day. but i'll still give him his present.
u noe, i dun feel like going to school anymore. i just want to live with grandma every single day. seeing her waking up to eat, slp, bathe, slp, eat, slp, eat, slp. many thoughts came to my mind when i think of her these two days. and one scared me the most. the thought of the maid waking up to wake my grandma up and then my grandma didnt react. and the next moment, the doctor came over and all my uncles, aunties,daddy, mummy and my sis gathered upstairs and me? im out. den i get a call. i'll collapse n i dun even noe wad im going to do next. perhaps she lives too long an age. 91. such an old age. so many things she had seen. many a time i wonder if she had seen the ghost guards, coming to bring her away. she isnt a christian. and she doesnt want to. and thus my uncle will never let my auntie to make my grandma a christian. bud they both have the interest of my grandma.
o y m i rambling on and on about my grandma. i'll just keep my mouth shut or rather stop my hands from typing now. sorry for boring you with my sad life.
tmr i swear. tmr.
nite
we are the guests, not the hosts of the Earth
7:49 AM
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