i want to reply my tags so much but im super lazy. no wonder no one wants to tag anymore. sorry men. i need emo songs instantly. my foot hurts again. what's wrong with my ankle, my foot, my spinal tail. what's wrong. im turning emo. i think i need to be emo. i might be tomorrow in school. i hate laughing so hard in school and then going home and then turn emo. as in, i am seriously darn happy at home, with my funney and great parents and the excitement they together with my sister, gives me. but, when i am all alone, i look back at the past. i look back at the year i cried the most. the year i will never forget. the year i came to a jc for the first time. the year i meet great new exciting different kinds of people who gave me different feelings. the year i regret going out of sr. the year i met happy go lucky friends in sr. the year i met random. the year i really bonded with my parents because i truly neglected my family life previously. so many many things. and the year a few people left in my life. one great friend. one great part of me, my granny. she took the happiness from me. i wouldn't be so sad with her around. from the everyday meeting to 'pop'! the bubble just burst and she's gone so instantly. nanyang sucks. i hate it. because if i wasn't in nanyang i would have answered that phone call. THE phone call. The messages. undeleted. no one reads my messages. can't. no. you know, after she left, i felt the big family is trying so hard to keep us all together. that would be her wish yes. but evidently, it is still inevitable that the undesirable has taken place. i no longer see those i see so often when she was around. painful. its so quiet now, as compared to the past. cny is going to be weird for us. its going to be quiet. real quiet. then maybe one day my aunty will love out from the flat upstairs and it will become even quieter. i did not even dream of her. i need my medicine. my dosage of granny everyday. i duno why i am rambling so much about the past. i duno why i still can't forget. its hard yes but its still fresh in my head. i feeling like mutilating myself. so stupid. tze yin is stupid. gp is the time i turn emo. i duno why. gp lessons make me wonder many many things no one knows. gp lessons enables me to look back, to locate what i hate to recall most. i feel good after typing it out. and then i thought dania could 'save' me. for a moment she did. then, she's gone too. where's hope. "i need you. and you."


i saw a granny who looks like mine last week. well, maybe all grannies look the same from the back view. she was on a wheelchair and her maid was sitting next to her on a bench at the park under my block. without any sec to think, i totally heated up and i thought i was going to breakdown but no, only a well up of tears. i can feel her hands, her hug, her kiss, her smell. i can recall me lying next to her on the sofa laughing so much, her bathing for me and i totally hated it but i didn't know how to reject her offer. i can recall her teaching me the hand games but with 100% regret i forgot; the time i accidentally swung a toy car at her head, closing the car door with her finger stuck in between and when she fell, down the stairs and in my home. and so coincidentally, her photo just came up on my desktop sidebar. why, is she here? i duno.


i hate this.

how will i be tomorrow.

goodness.



why can't she be an immortal.

why can't she go with me.

why can't i see her for the last time.

i hate my phone.